Dear You, Dear Me

It's late night. Although I'm not crying, but I feel all teary and wet.

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The side problem there is, I know I love you, I know I live by your support too. But I don't like how I am to you now.

A while ago I decided not to bother you too much, but ever since you told me your problems about course decision, I couldn't help myself but to stick myself so much into your problems.

It's mainly because of myself, I know I'm selfish, and you should know too, I'm jealous of you.

Why do I always fall in love with someone who I am jealous with?

You can choose between which two choices you like. But your interest is to one side, but you don't wish to loose the other too. Yet you procrastinate upon your decision even though many others have gave you a lot of advice.

To be honest, yes I am sinful, I am jealous. I don't totally hope that you can get your dream course.

Because you act like it's nothing big deal and can even say something like "let the heaven decide". If that is your decision then why bother asking in the first place?

Didn't it ever crossed your mind that there are other people on the other side of your area who can't even get the chance to really do what they want?

Did it ever crossed your mind that people with materialistic parents can't really fulfill their dreams because of materialistic?

Didn't it ever cross your mind that others are not as lucky as you who have people who is willing to listen to their problems?

Don't you ever know that I am afraid that one day I may loose the feeling of doing what I love, that I may loose the memory of how I enjoyed or why I enjoyed it, that I may never have the time and chance for all I wanted?

Yes, you are naive. And I, disgustingly, hatefully, love you that I somehow wish to see you doing what you want in the future.

I don't why so, but hatefully, that is it.
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And the main problem is that...

I didn't get good results enough to satisfy you, I'm sorry. But I also let  myself down, and this is what is hidden from you.

Just because I was top of the class when I was young, why does it have to mean that I have to pursue a science-based career?

Just because the field of medicine, doctor, pharmacy etc etc has a more stable income?

Have you ever heard of the word materialistic? Or is society around you too emphasize on status and income that had blinded you from other aspects of life?

I listened to you because I don't hate being a doctor etc anyway.

But since it's not my real hobby, can you don't keep on pushing me to fill my almost 24 hours with these stuff that I cannot enjoy what I really like?

Can you stop expecting flying colours from me when I don't even have the passion or had put in the hard work as others do?

Why does every conversation between us have to be about these stuff? I stay out in KL now, we don't talk much, but why? Every conversation?!

Because of some limitations, I can't do many things that I love. Standing in the crowd and looking at someone else (which is also my friend and which I don't hate) gets the spotlight which I've always wanted. That is how the way things were. And now, all of them are pursuing what they want, but look at me! Why must I act like a brilliant smart student but actually suffering? Plus the suffering isn't coming from the homework, but it's directly from you!

For years now, many of the stuff I love has been limited by you. Isn't that enough?

I don't hate my course. I just love something better, but I am where I am now just not to dissapoint you. So please stop pushing me too bizzare?

I like what I am studying, that's why I do my revision and all. But even so, you still choose to be blind to it.

What's wrong with having more faith?

The society isn't as expected in novels or movies where people tend to care for you without their benefit.

So even if I'm in all these stress, I have no where to release it, which in the end ends up to me uncontrollably disturbing my friends. Please, I don't want this to continue.

I know you wouldn't be seeing this, but pray whatever it is for the best.

There is love, so please, let me love myself more once again.

我。追求啊！

以下正是我最近面子书的状态：

你仍然有机会追寻你的一片天空，做自己喜欢做的事，那为何因一方面的执着而犹豫不决？

喜欢就去啊想这么多为什么？！

虽然处于完全不同的状态，可是也不得不承认，世上的另一个角落，仍然有想追也追不了梦想的人。想去追，但因为很多因素而被限制了发展、机会，最后被逼走上一个不是自己喜欢的路。

对，物质化……

不喜欢就算了，还得在那某个要求下度过每一天。

好知不知，当连碰触都没有的一天来临了，再也回忆不起当初所爱的事物的感觉、热振已是双手无法达到的地步时，人却要在物质化的社会下生存……那还有意义吗？

而且，在这个现实化的世界里，有谁会来关心身边的人的问题？一切都堆积于自己身上吧？面子书状态……部落格……

我不受大家欢迎……为什么我合不来……我功课不好……大家成绩都那么好……可恶，你在做什么，害到我这样那样……为何你要对我这样那样……为什么你要XYXY弄到我YZYZ……

为何不想想……为什么我不主动？为什么我不积极？为什么我不采取行动？为什么我怕？要怎么才会不怕？

之后，社会可能就会有……身边的你，不要烦，有什么问题我来帮你，一起承担……不要这样，继续加油，我给你加油，我相信你做得到……

但是这些话，通常都只能自己对自己说了吧？

我很烦。我很烦。我很烦。

“我知道我很烦。”
“那为何不去改变？”
“我好压力，我好孤单，我好寂寞。”
“……”
“……”
“你在哭吗？”
“……”

这样继续下去，一直到生命的尽头……你知道你活过了什么吗？你有为别人造福吗？你有给你自己爱吗？

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我明明前一阵子下决心不要打扰你那么多的。可是你好厉害，一旦跟我提起你有个问题，我就不能那么容易罢休了。

选择自己喜欢读的一科，不容易吧？

但至少你还有选择啊！

我知道我的啰嗦没有输给我妈给我的啰嗦还有他的无理度。

但其实我一直都在欺骗自己吧？

说实话，我也不是完全希望拿到你喜欢的课程。

我有个物质化的家庭，所以我不能选择我所爱。

你确能把你的自由那么地不当很大回事。“让上天决定”之类，若你早就那么打算，那何必麻烦人家为你想你的问题？

可恶，可能是因为我（很讨厌地）喜欢你吧？所以也希望你能选择你喜欢的道路。所以请你早一点下决心，让我安心，好吗？

我喜欢你，但我不想一直吵你，这点你应该不知道吧？
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的确，我最近好烦。很多问题烦。

明明不是我喜欢的课程，为什么对我要求还那么高？

“因为出路可以养活”，这句话，好不好不要那么单纯？

一直要我这样那样，这样下去，我永远都不用实现我真正的梦想了。

明明不是我喜欢的，可不可以不要每天都催我要多花时间多加心思？

明明不是我喜欢的，可不可以不要逼或期待我的成绩能够比那些比我还有诚心有心思的人出色？

那些明明是我喜欢的，可不可以不要什么都没有见证然后只会小看我的能力？

那些明明是我喜欢的，可不可以不要什么都不鼓励？

只因为……物*质*化

告诉你……不。好。玩

所以不要很无理地那我来和别人比较了。

比较也好，不是因为要帮我，而是省下你的面子。

我的感受你有何想法？

我很压力。很压力。很压力。

社会也没有小说里面的漂亮。不会有人主动前来关心你。

所以我也不能控制地向朋友发泄。

我不要吵他们，所以请你不要再给我施舍无理的压力。
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从以前到现在，我喜欢的重大事物一个一个都给你们夺去了。

对，都得怪我太天真太无力太软弱。

但我的心还在。但愿连我半信半疑的上帝能够保佑我，让我找到我所爱的一切。