Dear You, Dear Me

It's late night. Although I'm not crying, but I feel all teary and wet.

===========================================================
The side problem there is, I know I love you, I know I live by your support too. But I don't like how I am to you now.

A while ago I decided not to bother you too much, but ever since you told me your problems about course decision, I couldn't help myself but to stick myself so much into your problems.

It's mainly because of myself, I know I'm selfish, and you should know too, I'm jealous of you.

Why do I always fall in love with someone who I am jealous with?

You can choose between which two choices you like. But your interest is to one side, but you don't wish to loose the other too. Yet you procrastinate upon your decision even though many others have gave you a lot of advice.

To be honest, yes I am sinful, I am jealous. I don't totally hope that you can get your dream course.

Because you act like it's nothing big deal and can even say something like "let the heaven decide". If that is your decision then why bother asking in the first place?

Didn't it ever crossed your mind that there are other people on the other side of your area who can't even get the chance to really do what they want?

Did it ever crossed your mind that people with materialistic parents can't really fulfill their dreams because of materialistic?

Didn't it ever cross your mind that others are not as lucky as you who have people who is willing to listen to their problems?

Don't you ever know that I am afraid that one day I may loose the feeling of doing what I love, that I may loose the memory of how I enjoyed or why I enjoyed it, that I may never have the time and chance for all I wanted?

Yes, you are naive. And I, disgustingly, hatefully, love you that I somehow wish to see you doing what you want in the future.

I don't why so, but hatefully, that is it.
==============================================================

And the main problem is that...

I didn't get good results enough to satisfy you, I'm sorry. But I also let  myself down, and this is what is hidden from you.

Just because I was top of the class when I was young, why does it have to mean that I have to pursue a science-based career?

Just because the field of medicine, doctor, pharmacy etc etc has a more stable income?

Have you ever heard of the word materialistic? Or is society around you too emphasize on status and income that had blinded you from other aspects of life?

I listened to you because I don't hate being a doctor etc anyway.

But since it's not my real hobby, can you don't keep on pushing me to fill my almost 24 hours with these stuff that I cannot enjoy what I really like?

Can you stop expecting flying colours from me when I don't even have the passion or had put in the hard work as others do?

Why does every conversation between us have to be about these stuff? I stay out in KL now, we don't talk much, but why? Every conversation?!

Because of some limitations, I can't do many things that I love. Standing in the crowd and looking at someone else (which is also my friend and which I don't hate) gets the spotlight which I've always wanted. That is how the way things were. And now, all of them are pursuing what they want, but look at me! Why must I act like a brilliant smart student but actually suffering? Plus the suffering isn't coming from the homework, but it's directly from you!

For years now, many of the stuff I love has been limited by you. Isn't that enough?

I don't hate my course. I just love something better, but I am where I am now just not to dissapoint you. So please stop pushing me too bizzare?

I like what I am studying, that's why I do my revision and all. But even so, you still choose to be blind to it.

What's wrong with having more faith?

The society isn't as expected in novels or movies where people tend to care for you without their benefit.

So even if I'm in all these stress, I have no where to release it, which in the end ends up to me uncontrollably disturbing my friends. Please, I don't want this to continue.

I know you wouldn't be seeing this, but pray whatever it is for the best.

There is love, so please, let me love myself more once again.