各式各样讨人厌的人格

好吧，虽然说有些人我忍了很久，但我也有想放出来的时候。

==============================================

致：自我中心得很大的人们

想像若人家对待你，有如你对待人家，你会怎么感受？

在一个圈子里，别说讨论事情吧，说一起去玩，完全没有顾到别人感受而自己在high，等于自我陶醉，虽然可能会有一两个不知情的跟你一起high。

去玩，不会路，当回路的人家在提供意见时，请认真听，别装听了之后还大声带队似地说“走，我们去找地图~”。

去玩，当别人说有家里门禁，请别因为自己贪玩而勿听人家的要求。想像若最后被家人指责的是你，而且朋友都各回各自的家不在你身边替你道歉还是安慰你的时候，你的感受是什么？（这很明显受害者是我，么……不是在讨安慰还是公道，好多情绪忍了很久好想发泄。）

去玩，请尊重朋友们的兴趣。少在人家喜欢的事物吐糟了（除非你真正体验/去体会那件事，或者那件事真的很死够鬼烂）。喜欢是有理由的，而且世界不是围绕着你转。除非你喜欢体会下你的世界一直都是围绕着其他人转的时候，然后人家正好喜欢说你喜欢的事物的不好，然后你被逼听得像是你要同意他们的看法一样。

去玩，虽然这里是马来西亚，很出名“马来西亚时间”这个观点。但是当你和朋友约好出去玩，无论你的性别是什么，还是别当作是个约会，像一个典型的女方，要让对方（其他朋友）等上半小时一小时之久。不，好，笑，更，不，值，得，骄，傲。约好时间是有理由的，别最后连累了行程，还要害人家迟回家，“反正我几点回都不用紧”不是个好借口，这只是现实你有多（或少）尊重你的朋友。

有车牌有车驾的，好吧，因为自己开心得把一两张照片或状态贴在社交网站没错，但是少拿这种东西来特地显得自己很酷（虽然每个人少许都会这么想让自己开心），但是少做得太过分。也请少一点因为自己有人家没有而贬低人家，尤其当人家是自己的朋友圈子里的一份子的时候。

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这里来个严重的。朋友就朋友，少来说什么有钱没钱的！家里有钱没有钱，不是朋友（/我们）选择的。比较没钱的孩子有比有钱的孩子用功的时候，但这并不代表比较没钱的孩子一定比比较有钱的孩子还要有品德。

读书，看个人用功，不是有没有钱。（虽然有钱的话能够提供更好的学业，但终究还是看自己。）

但是谁说比较有钱的孩子都是被宠坏的？比较没钱的孩子会自己打工省钱来给自己娱乐、升学。难道这样就代表比较有钱的孩子不用打工，所以意志力比较弱？比较经不起苦？不用为钱烦恼？

听好：福。不。过。三。代。

就算家里有钱，一个被宠坏的孩子的未来不会很好看。所以那些家里比较有钱的（而且会想的）孩子也会为自己的经济担心，也会想去打工什么的。

我不是家里很富有，但身边也有家里没那么有钱的朋友。有一次我们谈天聊到打工。我也说了“我也想打工。”，就给一个朋友（算是有点自我中心似地）说：“我们打工是为了钱，你打工是为了什么？”

好吧，当时很想一巴掌扫过去。

但我还是忍。因为忍。很重要。

要不是父母不给，或许我比你还要早开始打工了。

更重要的是，朋友为什么要分成家里有不有钱？知道了朋友家里背景，就认同，接受。少搬出来把人家以自己的判断来归类了。也致另一种人，少在人家背后讨论你班上的同学谁有钱谁比较没有钱谁最有钱了，自己好好管好你自己的事情先再说，要不然在背后嫉妒/吹人家的水是不会带你走到哪里的。

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还有好多很烂的人格，不想/好懒惰打出来。

看起来虽然像是我在跟大家要同情/认同似地。（安慰的话我倒是不拒绝的）

但这个帖子的目的单纯只是为了发泄。好。好。地。发。泄。

希望我现在能够平静入眠，晚安。

近年尾

好久没有打部落格了～
*反正没什么人来看？*

自从上次的饥饿30营，似乎没有什么东西写，有的也都在我的英文部落格…可能因为上了college我的环境都属于英文系社会吧？

===========================

由于头发品质恶劣的关系，我有再次光顾理发店了…💈 唉…
（出生时明明好好的，长长直直的，自从去了间印度人理发店后，就再也没有之前的品质了…）

然后现在，在等着这些漫长的时间过去的时候，我手中拿着九把刀的《人生就是不停地战斗》。（因为我拜一至拜五都住宿舍，只有周末才回家，而这本书就一直在家，所以去年书展买的现在都还没看完…==）

就是这本啦~

这本不是激励书也不是故事书，是九把刀的部落格集,正好看到有一个贴说着杂志的读者投票话题，题目是“女生用什么理由拒绝你，你最度烂？”。

而第一名正是“你每个月可以给我多少？”，第二“我真的不知道…我真的不知道…”，接着还有各式各样的，还有“你驾什么车？”、“我觉得你养不起我。”之类的…总感觉很多女生也挺物质化的么，那样还找到真爱吗？

不过九把刀也回了一句说：“但承认吧男生们，你们九成九都是以貌取人！” *赞赞赞赞赞!！！！！*

好吧，不只女生了，连男生这样也很难找到真爱的…

还有一票是“对不起，我喜欢的…也是女生。” 我觉得这挺可爱的。（废话，你又不是从被拒绝的男生的角度想！）

个人看法，同性恋的男生，总有一方（或双方）会被认为虚弱、娘娘之类的性格；同性恋的女生，总有一方我会认为是很强悍很酷的…

但总的来说无论是男同性恋还是女同性恋，有如很多想追求自己梦想但要面对家人反对的，勇于逆行于社会主观以坚持自己的感情自己所追求的喜爱，都是很赞的。（反而那些连自己的梦想都不敢追求的人，根本没有资格批评你们讨厌的同性恋。:P）

话题跑远了…哈哈，回归正题，怎么感觉没有一票是“对不起，我不喜欢你”…我还以为会有很多之类的票呢…~.~

好吧，我果然是爱情白痴…

===========================

以上。

校园里的圣诞树，预祝大家圣诞节快乐~ ^_^

Pssssttt PPSSPP

Why psssttt? Cuz I'm typing this at night.

And for those who doesn't know, PPSSPP is the emulator for PSP which runs on the computer (which allows us to play PSP games on the PC).

===================================================================

Okay, I wrecked my laptop few weeks ago by playing around with the operating system too much. I know I'm no pro at computing, but... *sigh*

So when it came back from repair, I was like, okay let's re-customize stuff around. Then I noticed I don't have any games on the laptop that I enjoy so I wanted to install the PS2 emulator and continue with Tales of the Abyss, (quite time-eating job at installing the plugins) but then when I started running the game, it was so slow!! *OhnnnoohhhhIcan'tplayPS2gamesonmylaptop*

There goes my plan on playing Final Fantasy XII on my laptop down the drain too. I was playing FF XII when my PS2 got spoiled so I was kinda sad on not finishing the story. Then there was another sadder story on me going through Final Fantasy X on the computer at home and I was finishing at least 3/4 of the story and then my dad took the disk drive to format. I didn't have  my chance to cry at that game... *sad* (That game was popular as having a touching storyline, fans cried at the ending.)

So might as well install a PSP emulator and play Kingdom Hearts Birth by Sleep. (Yeah I'm quite a Square Enix fan)

Kingdom Hearts Birth by Sleep is the prequel to the Kingdom Hearts series. My first game was Kingdom Hearts II, and I fell in love with the story that I went online to know more about the series. And I played the other installments of the series too. Really love the creator behind it.

Cinematic cutscene from Kingdom Hearts II

Cinematic cutscene from Kingdom Hearts II

Gameplay cutscene from Kingdom Hearts II

One of the saddest scenes in Kingdom Hearts 358/2 Days

[Years before when the game came out I watched the cutscenes online, and fell in love with Aqua's character. But now I began the game as Terra, and get to realize that I will have love for the other characters too. <3 And yeah they have better controls compared to KH II :P ]

Kingdom Hearts Birth by Sleep Final Mix official poster

 

Some old trailer 3 years ago.

(People may think that gaming is a waste of time, well isn't that direct? In fact, some RPG games have a more interesting storyline than novels or movies do. Plus, strategy gaming is good training for the brain, people just don't see it that way, sadly. Not to say that games are all good, just saying that there are good.)

Oh well.

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Didn't went 100% well with IELTS speaking test today, sadly. *grumps*

And I'm actually hoping typing a blog post will help with my essay writing?

Haha, ironic.

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What makes a good story is how the story is portrayed to the viewers and how the message reach the viewers.

Many aspiring writers just think that a typical build up of story with beautiful flowery words makes a good novel and publishers actually publish it.

There is something novelists (movie scriptwriters or game script writers maybe) should know, is that instead of creating an easy-to-see-through plot with beautiful adjectives (which seems touching) and getting it publish ASAP, it is important to create a story that makes you proud of, and would not make the readers feel their money had gone down the drain.

Hmm......

Holidays with Evangelion

God's in his heaven. All's right with the world.

So it's raya season and its a holiday in my country. Since Wednesday it's a college break~ But well, I started my break by singing K with a bunch of secondary school friends (and of course that special someone :P ), and fell sick...

And then somewhere around Thursday or Friday I got my hands on this somehow (pic below)~~~

It reads:
Evangelion Shin Gekijouban: Q
Evangelion: 3.33
You Can (Not) Redo

Its an Evangelion movie DVD!!! I was so happy!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Neon Genesis Evangelion is NOT YOUR TYPICAL ANIME, I repeat, NOT.

As the characters and all may seem "oh, Japanese schoolgirl, oh, with a hard past, oh, mechas, meh, normal", but what makes it different is the story plot.

I got to know Eva when the movie Evangelion: 1.0 You Are (Not) Alone came out. So I went to watch the anime series, it was the first anime which involved mechas that I fell so deeply in love with. (And I was quite surprised when my friend told me that AXN used to air the series. Whoa!) The DVD set that I got my hands on is inclusive of the TV series and the first 3 movies Air, Death and Rebirth, and End of Evangelion.

The story is mainly about monster-attack-robots-defend, but I don't like saying it that way. In the story, Angels are the attacking ones (not your typical halo and wings), and biological robot-like-machines (not your typical Gundam or Transformers) called Evangelions are the only ones who can defeat them.

Well, that's the main background, the story involves around the pilots of the Evas, in which are only the chosen children. The main character is Shinji Ikari, the Third Children who pilots Eva Unit 01, which by doing so involves many conflicts between him, his father, connections with his mother (which he doesn't seem to notice). Alongside him is Ayanami Rei, the First Children and Sohryuu Asuka Langley, the Second Children, which have different stories and development. As it is not your typical anime, they really went in deep with the characters.

Plus, the director used many Christianity terms in the story. It wasn't headed towards the direction of religious interpretations though, but it was used beautifully. In fact Hideaki Anno (director) said that had the folks at Gainax (the producing company) known at the time that NGE would gain this kind of popularity outside of Japan, they may have done things differently. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I really do like Rei's blue hair, one of the reasons I watch the anime.

But I love Asuka more, I felt very close to her as her personality is unique. She's strong, pretty, confident and full of pride. Yeah, kinda hot head too.

I also love the idea that their surname are derived from warcrafts. Simply beautiful.

I have the model of Asuka in this pose on my desk xD

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The original TV series didn't end as planned because of the lack of funds for production and the anime wasn't as popular as now. So the last two episodes didn't really gave us viewers an answer. So there was the first 3 movies produced, which also didn't gave us an answer.

Only the movie End of Evangelion continued on, with not a pretty build up of plot. By not pretty I don't mean it's not good (it is in fact, spectacular), it just simply meant the story wasn't headed for a nice ending. (Spoilers: It ended like the end of the world, in which yes, whole humanity wiped out, leaving ..... behind.)

Years after, the production team decided to come out with a series of film The Rebuild of Evangelion, which the first movie was Evangelion: 1.0 You Are (Not) Alone, Evangelion: 2.0 You Can (Not) Advance, Evangelion: 3.0 You Can (Not) Redo, and the final one is yet to be released.

So every since I got my hands on the DVD, I went to watch 2.0 as I haven't watch it yet. So it was a movie marathon, watching 2.0 and then 3.0.

movie poster for 2.0

2.0 seemed to changed the original plot, plus they add a new pilot into the story, and new Angels.I also grew in love with Rei, she has more feelings here. At the climax of 2.0, it was a decision for the main character to pilot Eva or not, and the plan went according to the protagonist intentions, which causes the Third Impact to begin. The song "Tsubasa o Kudasai" (Give Me Wings, Susan Boyle sang a cover of it in English too, entitled "Wings To Fly" :D ) played at the right time which fits the main character beautifully, plus, the softness of the singing mixing with the chaotic scene makes all the feelings come out. A big thumbs up and thunderclap goes to Studio Gainax. Going through fan views on the net, it seems that I wasn't the only one who cried there. :')

3.0 movie poster

3.0 wasn't what I expected. Anno changed the setting. Asuka was as stunning and hot head as ever, Rei was totally emotionless. But I enjoyed every moment with Kaworu (the Fifth Children in the original TV series), especially when he played the piano so gracefully. According to his explanation, I somehow got the interpretation that it is similar to the end of the world or judgement day. Sources describe it as it was initiated when the angels got in contact with Adam, and which humans loose their barrier in which is named as AT field and reverting all Lilith based life forms (humans). Mainly life forms fusing with Adam or Lilith, annihilating life forms on earth, and to create something new. But Kaworu stopped the happening of this at 2.0. And in 3.0, the Fourth Impact happened, with a even tragic ending where Asuka leads Shinji and Rei to safety in a midst of destructed red earth.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I love the OST of both the movies, there's intensity and tranquility.

There was this BGM called God's Message and the lyrics are as followed:

From the black of space I will create
earth and in my image incarnate
heaven is to be a place of rest
earth is where the people I will test

Six days have passed
on the seventh I will render myself to a day of rest and to contemplate what is to be
Mankind begins its fateful journey faced by trials and tribulations, war and peace
Of my presence to this end my work is done

this world I give, for you to live
blessed are the ones that can live in peace

Forever

And there is this piano piece played in the movie: Quatre Mains

And of course, my favourite singer Utada Hikaru once again sings the ending theme entitled Sakura Nagashi. (literally meaning Cherry Blossoms flowing away) It's a sad song and my favourite verse is

"However great the fear, I will not look away

If at the end of everything, there is love"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Almost everything of Evangelion is beautiful. :)

Me, myself and some more self reflection

I wish that I could turn back time
'cause now all the guilt is mine
can't live without
the trust from those you love
I know we can't forget the past
we can't forget love and pride
because of that, its killing me inside 

--Komm, süsser Tod (German: Come, Sweet Death)

=============================================================
Same topic as my previous post. Different stories....
=============================================================

So there was this Midsummer Masquerade which my college hold annually, and it was held around two weeks ago.

And I was part of the dance club that performed. Well, there are many who said we danced very cool and stuff, but as usual, the performers won't see things from a spectators perspective.

And there is stories behind our performances, training and all...

The girls group and the guys group leader really got mad for some reason. And there are members who say that its because they chase for professionality. Well, I don't know about the guys, but to speak the truth, I don't think our dance can come out professionally when our practices aren't event well managed.

Information weren't passed on to members efficiently, and therefore leaving some members in blurry state, and the members were getting mad at for no reason. Our practices, no serious warm ups, not consistent countings... and many more were so different from my previous trainings, and I don't think we can get anywhere near professional with this state.

Whats worse, punctuality and preparation before the performance was not well managed too.

I know I'm not in any state to be complaining as I didn't take any action to change the current state we're in. Yeah, I was pissed off really early because what I said wasn't taken into account and the song and dances were kept on changing and they didn't think of self choreography but to dance from internet.

So I was damn quiet.

And yeah if I did get mad in front of them, things won't go as nice....  :/

Anyway we got 3rd, well, wasn't so happy, things could have got better. Plus its our former president's last dance with us....

Geez....

*Seriously this is not the first time where I get pissed off seeing people treat professionality so lightly
===============================================================

My GPA..... aslo damn low.... :(

===============================================================
To a certain you who probably won't be reading this.

I'm sorry I've let you down again. You expected something from me, and again I was afraid to express myself. Especially when I look into your eyes, beautiful they are, and I was lost in the midst of mixed feelings again.

You were trying to get closer to me, but due to recent depressions (I know I shouldn't put the blame on such ridiculous stuff), I was quite cold to you.

Now I wish that I could see you again, and one day, I want to look into your eyes and tell you what I want to say to you, and what you will want to hear from me.

Staying strong, with lots of love. :)

Me Myself & a little Self Reflection

"I know, I know I've let you down
I've been a fool to myself
I thought that I could
live for no one else
But now through all the hurt & pain
It's time for me to respect
the ones you love
mean more than anything"

--Komm, süsser Tod (German: Come, Sweet Death)

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I wanted to post this along with my last post but I think it's gonna be quite long so...

The lyrics above is from the anime Neon Genesis Evangelion, oh well that's not the main point right now...

=================================================================

So at first I wanted to say sorry to who ever nominated and voted me to be part of Student Council (SC for short). Sorry that I didn't make it, sorry that I did not prepare a proper speech, and most importantly, I'm sorry that I didn't put in as much effort as I am supposed to.

Not saying that I'm trying to be some drama queen here but these are what I want to say.

I had a camp coming up and as part of the committee I was quite busy, and my driving test was on the same day as the election speech day. I know these aren't excuses for me to neglect other important stuff, but I'm sorry I couldn't cope with it at that moment.

I realize that I was very wrong that when other people have expectations on me, I don't treat it as important as they do because of my own busyness... I'm sorry.

Even some new intakes came up to me and said that "Hey, I voted for you.", "You're the one that gave the speech that day right?", and there was one that I helped out at the photocopying machine, and she said "Thank goodness I voted for you".

Thanks for making me realize how bad I am.

And also for strengthening my belief that not only popular people gets it all. Yeah at first from my perspective, many voting-for-position stuff (except for politics) comes with popularity. But through this experience I started to see things in a different way.

I will change in the future. As I still believe in the happiness of helping and serving my community with what I am able to do.

And thanks for those who nominated me... well, I know some of you who did~ :)

Thanks for unlocking the feeling that I neglected~

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Now it's about my XJ family.

I wasn't really a really good leader during our camp organizing days, I believe that even some are talking behind my back (I mean who doesn't?).

Remembering the first few sessions when I was still social-phobic and I dare not use the photocopying machine at the Sin Chew office (4th floor I remember) when our camp leader had already asked permission to use it. And I delayed our job for a whole session...

Well, that was the first step I took to be more responsible for things.

And then I had to make souvenirs for my team members although I did not attend that camp personally. Haha, sewing their names on an accessory, 11 of them! It made me feel like more than a home when they were happy to receive it. I also got a teruterubozu back from my replacement (he also gave the whole group).

And when I was in the photography and reporting team, I remembered I had a little fight with a team member about music for the slide show, and he was quite unpleasant. I know it was my fault, totally. He even gave out the idea of adding a small video into that slideshow. When my team mentor asked things out, I didn't want to report it, but my mentor said to, so I told him our progressions. I felt so sorry, even in the end it was my team member who came to apologize to me.

And then now in this 30 hour famine camp, he is now my team leader and I am his assistant. I felt so happy that we're friends and still a family. And during camp when I was over tired, he helped out a lot too.

There is more to be a great leader than what I did for my team. There is a lot more to learn, especially from my camp leaders, they're all very observant and knows how to tackle problems. 

I remember for our first camp organizing as a family, I was one of the nominees for camp leader because our mentors like my idea of planning a camp during our training periods. But I was quite socially-retarded and lack of critical thinking, so I let my team down... 

But I will never forget what being in the XJ family has taught me. <3

Some of us who turned up that day~

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to be continued~

I'm 18! + XJ

I'm really really lazy to update my blog it seems so... @@

Okay, so I'll start off with recent events~

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July 4th, happy independence day America~ :D And a happy 18th birthday to me~

I remember when I found out when my birthday was a holiday for America when I was young I was like "whoa", but unfortunately I live in Malaysia... T.T

I never expected anything really, 1st time not getting excited for my birthday actually. And there's my class, 1305S3, singing me a birthday song in the physics lab when they heard someone else's got sang in the agora... == + xD *cute class*

Then when I was passing by 1305S2 class (they seemed free), so I wanted to ask Ji Kai something so I called him out from the back door, and the first thing he said is "Eh Happy Birthday~ :D" and someone in class heard it and they started singing another birthday song. with their lecturer Mr Chung in class!! @@ + xD *another cute class*

My housemates also treated me a Secret Recepie cake and I went out for dinner at Subway with Jian Yuan, Min Thee, Brian & new intake + friend Sylvia Chee~

My old classmates asked me out too. It started with my dear Shakey <3 asking me if I want to go out for movie during the weekend. She isn't the out-going type so I thought something fishy was going on. When I asked her "Are you guys...?", she said "no, no it's not what you think~ It's just pure wanna-watch-movie". Okay, so I went and was treated another Secret Recepie cake by Shakey, her sister, Janet, Ost, Javent, Blue Velvet, Eugene, Zheng Fan, we ate at BBQ Plaza and watched Despicable Me 2. In the end while I was texting Shakey, she finally said that it was all in planned..... ==

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Okay, I'm a very optimistic person, so I'm quite satisfied with my results....

Actually no.... :(

Although it was what I'd expected, my it's not up to my expectations. Gotta work hard.

Every time when I look upon others, I normally will think that "whoa, their results are so good/ whoa, top student/ he damn good leh" etc etc...

Actually I can be like them too, but something is missing that is pushing me to take actions.

I'm lost... :/

************************************************

Next up is Famine 30 DIY Camp by Xue Ji (student reporter) :DDDDD

Ever since I graduated, I've never been much active here at my 25th XJ family. Until this year, Wei Xin, as camp leader, came to ask if I wanted to join the committee (or organiser team/ facie as how they put it in MCKL). And I agreed~

It's that feeling back home two years before, where all our lives were much of organizing camps other than reporting. In total we held three camps, and this is my fourth one~ <3 And all the camps before were 3 days 2 nights/ 4 days 3 nights but this is just 2 days 1 night so it's much more easier.

All the feelings came back as I step into the Sin Chew HQ for the 1st time this year where we usually have our meetings. Meeting all my family members but the difference now is "which college are you studying at?" and some can drive already~ And some are even out station :ooooooo

Before the camp, some of them (which I believe are in the KL region) had met up at Kuen Cheng High School Festival (and I was there because some people in class invited the class), and I joined them walking around (instead of my classmates who were late and bla bla bla ==). It was fun, and I saw my group leader there too, it was like I looked at him and he looked at me and "whoa, what are you doing here!?" xD

Okay, in camp, we as usual, had been the sakai-est people who knows how to have fun here and there. 1st camp without mentors and we can go super crazy~ I remember for the committee introduction rehearsal Ji Kai was dancing some pretty childish moves and Chung Wei was being a total kid. Well, during the real introduction my group leader actually landed a pail on one of our member's head. xD

We can't eat as it is a famine camp. And being the field work team was tired of course, those tables were damn heavy!!! I remember getting dizzy and texted my leader that I was resting, and left my job undone!! When I woke up, he just entered the room and said that my job has been done. QAQ I totally <3 my family!!! Not long after Ji Kai came in saying that the next programme is beginning soon and we have work to do~ *and after our job is done we were taking crazy photos as usual behind the hall*

I like the night games, it's called the Dark World, where we hide the team's facies and shut the lights around that place off, and the campers need to use their candles to search for tips to find their facies back. *Best night game ever!!* *I remember as field work team I had fun turning off the lights xD* But because they were using candles, us field work team has to scrape the fallen wax on the floor after the game ==

Our adviser Kuok Gang also came as a special guest. *It seems that he's a volunteer* I miss the times where he used to make jokes around us. *I also remember he was one of the few people who suddenly said I had lost weight when I was doing the interview for PMR/SPM Chinese workshop  two years ago* xD

On the second day, early morning a few of us had to clean the toilet. And while we wait for our bus, we were playing ball, yeah just throwing here and there. At the stadium, we played those games and totally acted as a team and our shouts and cheers overpowered the opposing team xD

During the concert, my favorite was a certain BFF by Geraldine and Zhao Jie Ying, and Zui Qin Ai de Ni by Christine Fan. When BFF was sung, our juniors were doing some kind of moves, guess they had used that song for one of the camps they hold. I started missing those camps we held and the song Hong Qing Ting (Red Dragonfly) was sung, it was the theme song for the 1st camp we held, and we started remembering the moves to that song, although vaguely. That moment, memories came flowing back and it was yeah, beautiful and warm.

Our seniors said that no matter how we tell our friends, they won't truely understand the feeling of a student reporter. Yeah, I've been to many other camps, but they are all far from the moments my XJ family had gave me. XJ 13179 <3

My current desktop wallpaper <3

***************************************************************

I passed my driving test~ :)

***************************************************************

Signing out 1st~

回家饥饿

因为父母的关系，去年一整年没有什么出席学记活动（多亏我还能说我是学记==）。
这次得感激感激瑋昕同届给我参与今年的饥饿30学记自办营的工委团。好想念办营的感觉啊啊啊 T.T

这次参加了场地+舍监+接待组。很高兴能够和以前的组员一组，尤其是伊晨还有骏业（以前我是组长，现在骏业是组长了>.<）。

虽然这是个小营，没有以前那种四天三夜的大型筹备，不过工作还是一样重要，虽然轻了多。记得骏业说画场地图没什么用到，大家都是等要设站的时候才拿出来看的。xD 也是啦，因为场地组考察的时候节目组也会跟着去安排跑站，所以我们场地组的功劳只有在营内发挥作用……==

好啦，进营工作，由于大家进营时间多姿多彩，所以场地组做不了进营大扫除名单……结果很夜很夜才睡得着……

舞台设置

我们几个无聊的找到这个有趣的东西

开幕工委介绍彩排

开幕工委介绍彩排

开幕工委介绍彩排，特别喜欢这个角度

好喜欢出版组的设计 <3

小型会议

迟到的骏业

睡觉前~已经凌晨了……

第二天早上，营员进营。非常怀念在营里忙碌的感觉，帮同届的忙，和同届合作。还有看到学弟妹的脸。喜欢的还有当智壅学妹看到我的时候惊讶的脸，果然我太久没有回家了。T.T还记得她当初参加学记的原因是因为我哈哈。*回忆回忆*

20号房：工委宿舍

饥饿前最后的一餐

开幕彩排

开幕彩排

真的彩排……骏业把水桶盖上伊晨头上前的一幕@@

大合照 <3

我们在营员后面……

这张还不知道要感谢哪位人士帮忙拍的……==

等着游戏开始

好久没有做站长了（因为之前都做组长副组长），不过这个站很特别，分四个小站，我是负责安排营员去各自的站……==

站长做做下闲了，然后……

这位就是我们伟大的副秘书，牺牲自己帮大家拍照 <3
他手上拿的就是一个无法出席的工委的名卡 T.T

在之后就是表演游戏。

由于我头晕了，去休息。却忘了桌椅要安排，虽然说我发了信息通知组长。醒来后有点被吓醒，但是骏业不久后出现说 他收到了我的信息。二楼的桌椅已经搬好了。

我爱我的场地组啊啊啊、伊晨、露宜、明章…… <3

由于表演也要拍桌椅，所以叫基凯预先通知几时要我们去搬。自从骏业回来宿舍休息不久基凯就说要搬桌椅了，感觉我在累坏自己组长那样…… T.T

晚上就是冒险游戏。

话说我超喜欢这个冒险游戏的，要我们关灯吓营员，要他们在黑暗的学校找辅导员 xD 还有狼人盗贼的，很刺激~

可是由于节目组有用到蜡烛，所以场地组之后要到处刮蜡……==

又是一个夜深才入眠的夜晚。

第三天早上就是……大扫除清洗厕所。==

之后就是搭捷彦车去体育馆，虽然听说他驾车会危险，不过坐了之后才发现，我驾的才危险……==

离开营地之前，场地组做最后的检查工作~

等巴士的时候我们就在玩球……==

去到那里倒数就没有什么好写的了，只是看演唱会还有睡觉~
倒数活动后，吃了免费餐~ 还有开骏业在第一天晚上买的汽水们和大家一起喝。其实有点对不起他，所以付了他十块（半价）。 xD

演唱会唱BFF的时候场面很high~尤其是学弟妹们在做动作，应该有拿来当过营歌还是团康吧？
但是不久后就播了红蜻蜓，我们25届的宝贝营营歌。然后我们也就记忆模糊地做了当年俐颖创造的营歌手语，非常温馨的一刻。:')
果然出席今年的饥饿30，是个很不错的选择。

场面

最敬佩的音乐家+秘书

会超想念的组长

演唱会之后在火车站遇到学妹聊了下，27届的，她也说：“学姐，要记得常回家哦。”

我也想，但是很忙……T.T

在等父母的时候和秘书佩仪聊了下，也带有感伤的。

最后一次和25届一起办营的，以后只能回巢的，回巢时也不会有当初的这么多人了……

学记一生一起走啊…… <3

即使大家身处各地，一天学记终身学记吧？

我超爱你们的。

超爱你们这一家的。<3

倒数后的第一餐~
由于有多余的，所以我们工委……呵呵呵

饥饿30 <3

Dear You, Dear Me

It's late night. Although I'm not crying, but I feel all teary and wet.

===========================================================
The side problem there is, I know I love you, I know I live by your support too. But I don't like how I am to you now.

A while ago I decided not to bother you too much, but ever since you told me your problems about course decision, I couldn't help myself but to stick myself so much into your problems.

It's mainly because of myself, I know I'm selfish, and you should know too, I'm jealous of you.

Why do I always fall in love with someone who I am jealous with?

You can choose between which two choices you like. But your interest is to one side, but you don't wish to loose the other too. Yet you procrastinate upon your decision even though many others have gave you a lot of advice.

To be honest, yes I am sinful, I am jealous. I don't totally hope that you can get your dream course.

Because you act like it's nothing big deal and can even say something like "let the heaven decide". If that is your decision then why bother asking in the first place?

Didn't it ever crossed your mind that there are other people on the other side of your area who can't even get the chance to really do what they want?

Did it ever crossed your mind that people with materialistic parents can't really fulfill their dreams because of materialistic?

Didn't it ever cross your mind that others are not as lucky as you who have people who is willing to listen to their problems?

Don't you ever know that I am afraid that one day I may loose the feeling of doing what I love, that I may loose the memory of how I enjoyed or why I enjoyed it, that I may never have the time and chance for all I wanted?

Yes, you are naive. And I, disgustingly, hatefully, love you that I somehow wish to see you doing what you want in the future.

I don't why so, but hatefully, that is it.
==============================================================

And the main problem is that...

I didn't get good results enough to satisfy you, I'm sorry. But I also let  myself down, and this is what is hidden from you.

Just because I was top of the class when I was young, why does it have to mean that I have to pursue a science-based career?

Just because the field of medicine, doctor, pharmacy etc etc has a more stable income?

Have you ever heard of the word materialistic? Or is society around you too emphasize on status and income that had blinded you from other aspects of life?

I listened to you because I don't hate being a doctor etc anyway.

But since it's not my real hobby, can you don't keep on pushing me to fill my almost 24 hours with these stuff that I cannot enjoy what I really like?

Can you stop expecting flying colours from me when I don't even have the passion or had put in the hard work as others do?

Why does every conversation between us have to be about these stuff? I stay out in KL now, we don't talk much, but why? Every conversation?!

Because of some limitations, I can't do many things that I love. Standing in the crowd and looking at someone else (which is also my friend and which I don't hate) gets the spotlight which I've always wanted. That is how the way things were. And now, all of them are pursuing what they want, but look at me! Why must I act like a brilliant smart student but actually suffering? Plus the suffering isn't coming from the homework, but it's directly from you!

For years now, many of the stuff I love has been limited by you. Isn't that enough?

I don't hate my course. I just love something better, but I am where I am now just not to dissapoint you. So please stop pushing me too bizzare?

I like what I am studying, that's why I do my revision and all. But even so, you still choose to be blind to it.

What's wrong with having more faith?

The society isn't as expected in novels or movies where people tend to care for you without their benefit.

So even if I'm in all these stress, I have no where to release it, which in the end ends up to me uncontrollably disturbing my friends. Please, I don't want this to continue.

I know you wouldn't be seeing this, but pray whatever it is for the best.

There is love, so please, let me love myself more once again.

我。追求啊！

以下正是我最近面子书的状态：

你仍然有机会追寻你的一片天空，做自己喜欢做的事，那为何因一方面的执着而犹豫不决？

喜欢就去啊想这么多为什么？！

虽然处于完全不同的状态，可是也不得不承认，世上的另一个角落，仍然有想追也追不了梦想的人。想去追，但因为很多因素而被限制了发展、机会，最后被逼走上一个不是自己喜欢的路。

对，物质化……

不喜欢就算了，还得在那某个要求下度过每一天。

好知不知，当连碰触都没有的一天来临了，再也回忆不起当初所爱的事物的感觉、热振已是双手无法达到的地步时，人却要在物质化的社会下生存……那还有意义吗？

而且，在这个现实化的世界里，有谁会来关心身边的人的问题？一切都堆积于自己身上吧？面子书状态……部落格……

我不受大家欢迎……为什么我合不来……我功课不好……大家成绩都那么好……可恶，你在做什么，害到我这样那样……为何你要对我这样那样……为什么你要XYXY弄到我YZYZ……

为何不想想……为什么我不主动？为什么我不积极？为什么我不采取行动？为什么我怕？要怎么才会不怕？

之后，社会可能就会有……身边的你，不要烦，有什么问题我来帮你，一起承担……不要这样，继续加油，我给你加油，我相信你做得到……

但是这些话，通常都只能自己对自己说了吧？

我很烦。我很烦。我很烦。

“我知道我很烦。”
“那为何不去改变？”
“我好压力，我好孤单，我好寂寞。”
“……”
“……”
“你在哭吗？”
“……”

这样继续下去，一直到生命的尽头……你知道你活过了什么吗？你有为别人造福吗？你有给你自己爱吗？

=====================================================================

我明明前一阵子下决心不要打扰你那么多的。可是你好厉害，一旦跟我提起你有个问题，我就不能那么容易罢休了。

选择自己喜欢读的一科，不容易吧？

但至少你还有选择啊！

我知道我的啰嗦没有输给我妈给我的啰嗦还有他的无理度。

但其实我一直都在欺骗自己吧？

说实话，我也不是完全希望拿到你喜欢的课程。

我有个物质化的家庭，所以我不能选择我所爱。

你确能把你的自由那么地不当很大回事。“让上天决定”之类，若你早就那么打算，那何必麻烦人家为你想你的问题？

可恶，可能是因为我（很讨厌地）喜欢你吧？所以也希望你能选择你喜欢的道路。所以请你早一点下决心，让我安心，好吗？

我喜欢你，但我不想一直吵你，这点你应该不知道吧？
=====================================================================

的确，我最近好烦。很多问题烦。

明明不是我喜欢的课程，为什么对我要求还那么高？

“因为出路可以养活”，这句话，好不好不要那么单纯？

一直要我这样那样，这样下去，我永远都不用实现我真正的梦想了。

明明不是我喜欢的，可不可以不要每天都催我要多花时间多加心思？

明明不是我喜欢的，可不可以不要逼或期待我的成绩能够比那些比我还有诚心有心思的人出色？

那些明明是我喜欢的，可不可以不要什么都没有见证然后只会小看我的能力？

那些明明是我喜欢的，可不可以不要什么都不鼓励？

只因为……物*质*化

告诉你……不。好。玩

所以不要很无理地那我来和别人比较了。

比较也好，不是因为要帮我，而是省下你的面子。

我的感受你有何想法？

我很压力。很压力。很压力。

社会也没有小说里面的漂亮。不会有人主动前来关心你。

所以我也不能控制地向朋友发泄。

我不要吵他们，所以请你不要再给我施舍无理的压力。
======================================================================

从以前到现在，我喜欢的重大事物一个一个都给你们夺去了。

对，都得怪我太天真太无力太软弱。

但我的心还在。但愿连我半信半疑的上帝能够保佑我，让我找到我所爱的一切。

事到如今

好久没在这里留言了，也没人会来看吧？

如今，我已经是个college生了。就读 Methodist College Kuala Lumpur.
看回头，那个仍然想反社会的自己，遇上了珍贵的学记家庭，再之后遇到一群好朋友，还有一个自己很爱的人。

都是一度未成熟的时光啊。

其实我不知道我以后要做什么，真正想做的，父母不给。
我知道这样会很痛苦，也知道为什么，因为不吃香。
马来西亚专音乐、写写小说、做媒体方面的，虽然知道这些在马来西亚出路不大，可是也不认为自己没有实力。反而常贬低自己的是父母啊……可笑。
所以只好选医学这条路吧？反正我不讨厌，虽然有兴趣，可是不大。
以后会很辛苦吧？

我想改变我自己。
记得以前看《凉宫春日的忧郁》时，有种自己想做就去做的动力，而且也做到不错呢。
不喜欢现实的束缚，想做就去做吧，不要管现实中的自己有多无力。
可是社会……连周围的朋友都比较担心很多事情，也让我的那个意识动摇了。
事到如今，我怎么回不到当时的自己？

我想改变我自己。
最近因为考试而努力读书了。
不喜欢依赖补习，因为希望因在成绩单上的A(+)不是因为给钱买别人的教学和笔记而是靠自己的努力和实力挣回来的。
不是有意说有补习的人的坏话，只是不希望自己堕落。
可是SPM成绩出来不太漂亮吧？
所以要继续努力吧。

我想改变我自己。
我非常非常地爱学记一家。
改变了我的生活的经验，让我活出自己。
可是毕业了之后几乎没融入太多那些环境，所以几乎忘了那种感觉。
报名做饥饿30的工委了。
我一定要找回自己。

我想改变自己。
我在college遇到一个让我回想过去的前辈。
主动认识他，也只是因为喜欢因他而引发的回忆。
“享受其过程比成绩来的重要。
因为享受，所以成绩可以出色。”

================================================================
我想改变我自己，至：我爱的你。


如今我们分道了。
可是还是保持联络，稀薄的联络。
一直以来，我不是你心中的人，可是你却仍然在我没注意的时候关心且担心我。
的确，我很感动。

现在我们还有出来见面，每当看到你的时候，我不知道我要说什么。
可是仍然喜欢偷偷看着你，心里也有一丝酸痛，不，应该是“甜”疼吧？

你不确定你的未来，我也在我考试时期担心这件事。
白痴吧？

现在听着一首歌，Supercell的《银色飞行船》（Ginirohikousen）
一部分的歌词：

...

我认为

你和我

会在这个海风吹过的城市

长大

...

银色飞行船照耀着

那片海是唯一没有改变的东西

这是你一直占线你的笑容的山上

我想在这里再次遇见你，多一次

...

银色飞行船飞过

我想寻找那片天空

但是海风迎面吹拂

但这个山上没有任何人的踪影

夕阳西下，我们的影子越来越长

我追随着你

我一直爱着你

但没说出口

述说着以前在一起的时光，现在却分离。我的确想在我们以前常去的地方，再一次看见你的笑容。我也的确抽象地，一直在追随着你的影子。不同的是，我有说出对你的感情，我们的关系也一直”友达以上，恋人未满“。

事到如今，我不能差不多每天看到你的笑容，但是祝福你，还有你的未来。我爱你。

跟着时间的流逝，我们会越来越疏远。我也会改变自己，好让我们在那某个遥远的未来相遇时，你我都是更好的自己。
========================================================================

“我爱你，所以请你改变自己，向着那更美好的自己。”